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A high-quality synthetic urine can fool any lab technician – but what if your test is supervised?
If you’ve got a supervised drug test coming up then you need a urine dispensary system that delivers your substitute sample without raising suspicion. It might sound like a goofy procedure, but it works!
Today we’re going to be taking a look at one of the most popular urine delivery products on the market; the infamous Monkey Dong. Read on to find out if Monkey Dong is really all it’s cracked up to be!
What is The Monkey Dong?
The Monkey Dong is a strap-on device used for peeing, manufactured by Serious Monkey Bizness. This urination delivery system looks and works a lot like a real penis. While it’s marketed as a gag gift or for fetish play, this real purpose of this device is to use it to pass a drug test.
It comes in six different colors: light white, white, tan, Latino, brown and black. No matter what your skin tone, those colors will help you find a model close enough to your own. Apart from a Monkey Dong, the kit includes several heating pads, a syringe, 3.5 oz of synthetic urine, and a belt that fits up to a 54-inch waist.
The fake pee stays inside the Monkey Dong without leaking because of its silent pressure valve. All you need is a simple squeeze of the Monkey Dong to help release the liquid!
How Do I Use The Monkey Dong?
The Monkey Dong is pretty easy to use once you get the hang of it. Here’s our step by step guide on how it works:
- Carefully release the Monkey Dong’s exterior safety valve on the bladder.
- Use the kit syringe to draw the synthetic urine in.
- Squeeze the Monkey Dong’s tip.
- Insert the syringe into the Monkey Dong’s pee hole, then inject the fake pee inside.
- Close the safety valve immediately.
- At least an hour before your drug test, unfasten the belt strap and place one of the heating pads on it. Strap it on, making sure that the temperature strip is in contact with your skin.
- Once the strip has reached the range of 96 to 100 degrees, it’s ready for your test.
- Release the safety valve, squeeze the Dong’s tip, then release the synthetic urine into the collection cup.
How Does a Urine Drug Test Work?
A urine drug test is meant to compare levels of certain substances to a lab’s standard cut-off levels. These substances can include cocaine, alcohol, and marijuana. If your pee’s levels exceed the lab’s cut-off, it will be reported as a test failure. A test will also check your sample’s pH levels and specific gravity – aka how dilute or dense your urine is – to make sure that what you turned in is real.
Before you take the test, the technician will ask you if you’ve been taking medications or supplements, just in case you get a false positive for drugs because of them. You will then be asked to leave any bags or bulky jackets outside the testing area.
If your test is supervised, someone will be assigned to watch you urinate into the cup. They won’t be staring the whole time – they’re just watching to make sure you haven’t stashed a substitute somewhere. When there’s enough fluid collected for a sample, it will immediately be taken away while it’s still warm, and sealed for analysis.
What Happens If You Fail a Drug Test?
The consequences of a failed test are pretty heavy. Companies aren’t required to send information about a failed drug test to law enforcement. However, if it was a pre-employment requirement, the company can use it as grounds not to hire you.
If it was part of a random screening in your workplace, it will be recorded by the company’s HR department and could be stated as a reason to fire you. If you don’t get fired, you may be required to undergo rehab to keep your job.
For those under probation, it can be much more serious. Your probation officer will be informed of the failed test. They will then pass on this information to the judge, who will decide if you will get off with a warning, or if you should go back to jail.
Can You Really Pass a Supervised Drug Test With Monkey Dong?
Yes. The Monkey Dong will help you pass where other devices won’t. Firstly, it comes in different colors, so even if your supervisor “accidentally” gets a peek at it, they won’t see something that’s completely off your actual skin tone. This will make them think that you’re submitting a real sample, and not slipping in synthetic urine for the test.
Secondly, it’s very quiet. Many urination devices have some kind of internal release system that allows the wearer to keep it secure on the body. However, some of these devices’ systems have noisy valves, and the last thing you want is for a supervisor to hear a loud squeak in the middle of your test. The Monkey Dong’s valve is very tight and silent, so you can release the fake pee discreetly.
By being easy to conceal and working with minimal sound, a Monkey Dong can get you through a supervised drug screening. There have been some issues with users, but these were not down to the Monkey Dong itself – the fake pee that comes with the kit doesn’t always help people pass with flying colors. This is easily remedied by using a different synthetic urine.
Check out our guide on how to pass a supervised drug test here.
Monkey Dong Vs. Whizzinator: Which One is Better?
As of our review last updated in February 2020, the Monkey Dong is the superior product despite being cheaper than the Whizzinator. One of the key factors is the valve in these products. Monkey Dong’s is very quiet, so opening it won’t draw any attention to you. The Whizzinator is noisier, and could alert the drug test supervisor that something is up.
The Monkey Dong also costs less than the Whizzinator, and Serious Monkey Business offers great customer service. Serious Monkey Bizness has a toll-free customer service line, where their representatives are more than happy to answer any questions you have. Their answers are very thorough, and they even provide assistance for customers abroad.
The only thing that lets the Monkey Dong down is the quality of the synthetic urine included in the kit, but this is easily solved by swapping it out with a better product. When it comes to urine delivery, the Monkey Dong can’t be beat!
The Monkey Dong Just Needs a Better Synthetic Urine to be Foolproof
The Monkey Dong itself is already a reliable way to sneak synthetic urine into your drug test, but the fake urine that comes with the kit seems to have a subpar formula. While it contains the basic markers of urea and uric acid which are found in human urine, it doesn’t seem to have other trace minerals found in more complex formulas on the market. It might be enough to get you through a basic test.
But if you need the Monkey Dong because it’s a supervised drug test, chances are that the lab technician is going to be more thorough. The premixed urine in the kit may not pass, even if you managed to slip it in as a sample. If you’re looking for the best fake urine, Clear Choice Sub Solution (read more) has one of the best formulas that can trick even the most sophisticated tests.
Unlike Monkey Dong’s premixed pee, Clear Choice has 14 trace elements which are naturally found in real human urine. It also contains creatinine, a human waste protein passed out in pee. It even comes with its own heat activator powder, so you don’t have to depend on the Monkey Dong’s heating pad to get the right temperature.
Some updated drug tests also scan for the presence of biocide, a preservative normally found in fake pee. It’s a marker that the sample is fake, so even if the fake pee seems to be human urine, you can still fail if the biocide is detected. Because Clear Choice doesn’t contain any biocide, it won’t raise any red flags with the lab technician! It’s definitely a much safer option than going with the premixed pee in the kit.
Pass Your Drug Test With The Help Of The Monkey Dong!
Getting through a supervised drug screening isn’t easy, but with such a lifelike prosthetic, it’ll be a snap for you to sneak in some synthetic urine for your sample. The Monkey Dong is quiet and reliable, and the strap-on belt will keep it nice and secure during your test. You’ll look like you’re actually peeing in the cup, so you won’t raise any suspicions.
Buying Clear Choice will be an additional expense, but it’s not worth saving a few bucks if it means losing your job! The fake pee included in the kit just doesn’t come close to Clear Choice’s formula, which can fool more sophisticated lab screenings. Combine your Monkey Dong with Clear Choice Sub Solution and you can pass any drug test with ease.